Now that Bernie Madoff’s is off to prison for a 150 or so years and getting his first taste of true prison cuisine I thought I would help Bernie out with his new prison to do list. So here are my top ten suggested To Do’s for Bernie:
10. Become pen pals with Martha Stewart and learn from her how to accessorize those adorable prison jumpers. Also, Martha’s handy tips on how to hide a shiv in a frosted layer cake are good too but that’s, of course, assuming Bernie didn’t screw her as well.
9. Get out those handwritten personalized holiday thank you notes to your clients that Bernie has been dying to do for years. While he’s at it, he can also send thank you notes to the 400 or so investigators at the S.E.C. for blithely ignoring his audacious Ponzi scheme for 13 years and the subsequent loss of $65 billion dollars.
8. Learn speed is more important than cleanliness when taking your showers in prison and that being old and wrinkly is no reason to excuse yourself from a quick shower tryst.
7. After learning the shower lesson above Bernie can become a Born-Again Christian and repent his sins. Failing acceptance by Born-Again’s and any personal protection they can afford him, he can then join the Aryan Nation and get some really radical prison tats.
6. If that doesn’t work Bernie can get big fast, I mean really fast or he can organize a prison cigarette investment fund. Actually, he’s better off getting big fast! Think like A-Rod and have your cousin visit you in jail!
5. Failing that, Bernie can petition the prison system and tell officials that he is a woman trapped in a man’s body and demand that the taxpayers pay for his sex change operation as an accommodation to his new cell mate Bubba. Again, Martha maybe handy for giving you a few, quick prison makeup tips.
4. Become a leading advocate for prison inmate rights and demand the availability of Viagra for all conjugal visits. Might one to explore this one before pursuing item 5, however.
3. Adding to a growing list of prisoner rights perhaps Bernie can twitter to his following some of his ongoing jail house experiences. In response to “what are you doing?” Bernie can bang out, “Oh no, Bubba’s got that gleam in his eye again, I got to be…,” while hoping he is keeping his tweet under 140 characters. Actually, I can do a whole column on that!
2. He can vow to live an additional 50 years so that when Bernie’s a 125 he can be paroled after the Obama budget finally bankrupts the entire country and the prison system.
And last but not least:
1. Bernie can finally write that tell all book about personal financial investment he has had a hankering to do. Failing success on the NY Times Best Seller list, he can then write a sequel called the ultimate “Dummies Book on Ponzi Schemes”. It will become the must read book for the S.E.C. and all law enforcement agents.
Actually, since Bernie has all this time on his hands he can also download my free eBook novel Flores Girl: The Children God Forgot. Bernie, it is truly a free book novel and a fun read if I do say so myself.
And by all means feel free to add your own Bernie to do’s for this list. Maybe I’ll put together a second list with your suggestions!
Erik,
This is a really great top ten list, Bernie is going away for a long, long time and I don’t think he’s the only one. You can post this to our site http://www.toptentopten.com/ and then link back to your site. We are looking for top ten lists and our users can track back to your site. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.